I think that I should just stop caring about really anything or anyone. Every time I try, every time I try to make someone happy, or try to achieve something with someone, it fails. Every time I care too much, I end up getting snubbed.
I end up in Maryland over the summers away from my friends because I was afraid to say no.
I end up in Indiana overnight sleeping in Jed’s car so that a week later the girl I’m there for can cheat on me.
I end up in Pennsylvania over the summer and holidays spending my free time away from my friends and the ones that matter most, sitting cross-legged on a thinly carpeted floor as I’m told I’m loved, but I’m never enough, never enough to make a difference or make anyone happy.
I end up at one friend’s house almost every night surrounded by the people I care about most, only for things to quickly fall apart when they promised they wouldn’t, and now that’s a far off memory and I’m accused of being a thief while literal drug dealers went unmonitored in the very same house.
I end up in Texas spending my vacation in a hotel room while one of my “best friends” feigns illness and interest, and one of her friends who hates me reveals that they were all just using me and it was a huge mistake for me to come.
I end up at Arrowhead lake every night for a stretch of time, sitting on the dock and wondering where everything went wrong, wondering how loud the splash would be if I drove my car into the lake and didn’t get out.
I end up at another friend’s house for the majority of my overall time for a good couple of months, for a short while later to be ditched by his friends who turn him into someone he said he’d never be. Then she likes him.
I end up in Chicago with my brother screaming at me to grow up and not to take two weeks off work to “go on a fucking concert spree” - AKA, him asking me to come stay with him, and me suggesting we could go to one concert, which I paid both our ways for, and him ending the conversation saying I’m the scum of the earth and worthless. He says for me to get my life together and care more about the people that matter, when he’s the one that walked out. He said he’d call more often to check in, it’s been over a mont and he hasn’t called once.
I end up barely sleeping and really eating only when out with friends for about three weeks, aimlessly wandering the track at night and just thinking about how complicated everything is and how I hate it so much. Just thinking about how much I wish it all would end.