September232014

so numb my brain cut out my eyes

maybe then I’ll sleep tonight

ghosts of you above my bed

storm weather forms inside my head

September222014

and if the good die young then I’m mean to live forever

not a memory, in your brain I’m just a fever

May172014

Bipolar princess, how I wish you could plant your feet in the ground and grow altruism like a flower, instead your roots are drawing and dividing lines in the sand that won’t be washed away by tide. I fear who will drown.

May132014

That hurt to see, odd enough. I will never understand how you’re still in my mind all this time later. Am I in yours? 

ER 

April92014

Natural selection tested me, I missed the curve. A cold, stiff hand dangles me over what I deserve.

February172014

Inspiration lacking motivation, fresh light on a new body, grab the lamp and direct the glow before it inches south. I’m more of a grave than a person, more of a coffin than a body. Flicker, flicker fade, fade and fall away.

All the atoms in the world are rearranged and now air is like water that floods my senses and drowns me without reprieve. Every sigh you speak is a lake of new possibilities. If all I ever did was let you down, why did you ask me to stay? We’re all drowning now. Water, water, water.

Flicker, flicker fade, fade and fall away. You were hope, flowers blooming in the muscles of a dying mouth, then you were gone, water flooding the cracked walls of a brittle old house. A lump in the throat, a shot in the dark, a drive through the night to find fresh light.

January52014

You have history, but we had chemistry, and now the flicker of optimism I had is fading fast. You were an example of better things to come, but now I breath deeply and think of other things. 

June252013

I think that I should just stop caring about really anything or anyone. Every time I try, every time I try to make someone happy, or try to achieve something with someone, it fails. Every time I care too much, I end up getting snubbed.

I end up in Maryland over the summers away from my friends because I was afraid to say no.

I end up in Indiana overnight sleeping in Jed’s car so that a week later the girl I’m there for can cheat on me.

I end up in Pennsylvania over the summer and holidays spending my free time away from my friends and the ones that matter most, sitting cross-legged on a thinly carpeted floor as I’m told I’m loved, but I’m never enough, never enough to make a difference or make anyone happy.

I end up at one friend’s house almost every night surrounded by the people I care about most, only for things to quickly fall apart when they promised they wouldn’t, and now that’s a far off memory and I’m accused of being a thief while literal drug dealers went unmonitored in the very same house.

I end up in Texas spending my vacation in a hotel room while one of my “best friends” feigns illness and interest, and one of her friends who hates me reveals that they were all just using me and it was a huge mistake for me to come.

I end up at Arrowhead lake every night for a stretch of time, sitting on the dock and wondering where everything went wrong, wondering how loud the splash would be if I drove my car into the lake and didn’t get out.

I end up at another friend’s house for the majority of my overall time for a good couple of months, for a short while later to be ditched by his friends who turn him into someone he said he’d never be. Then she likes him.

I end up in Chicago with my brother screaming at me to grow up and not to take two weeks off work to “go on a fucking concert spree” - AKA, him asking me to come stay with him, and me suggesting we could go to one concert, which I paid both our ways for, and him ending the conversation saying I’m the scum of the earth and worthless. He says for me to get my life together and care more about the people that matter, when he’s the one that walked out. He said he’d call more often to check in, it’s been over a mont and he hasn’t called once.

I end up barely sleeping and really eating only when out with friends for about three weeks, aimlessly wandering the track at night and just thinking about how complicated everything is and how I hate it so much. Just thinking about how much I wish it all would end.

February202013

3:36AM

you lay awake waiting for your life to start, but you’ve already passed the checkpoint titled “everyone else is in first place and you’re below last.” Nights like tonight keep you awake for more than one reason because you just want peace. Your bones feel mushy and you wanna slump into a pile of laziness and sleep for a month. You measure your days by the company you’ve had and the money you’ve made, but even on days where you make $200 from barely any work, you still feel the brutal sting of loneliness. Everything can and will change in a moment, bipolar hearts are just emotional sharks.

3:40AM

I need to sleep.

February102013

Well I was in a car wreck in the parking lot at work, and all I can really think about is “Long live the car crash hearts” BECAUSE I HAVE THREE FALL OUT BOY CONCERTS TO GO TO

February92013

If only time passed as quick while you’re working as it does while on break. ~le sigh~

February32013

I think I’m starting to relapse, back into the dark down. My days are spent apathetic, simply trying to find things to pass the time with, not necessarily things to do or things to entertain or improve myself with. Even on the usual hangout days, when I’m surrounded by the people I love most, I quickly become bored and disinterested, and I find myself looking forward to things that I can’t necessarily speed up.

The fact is you really can’t depend on some people whatsoever, and that means you gotta try and distance yourself from them and keep yourself solid the best you can, no matter if they’re your best friends or what.

I’m half-remembered half-way around the world.

February22013

I’m not sure where my life is going right now. Things are never on track, and in the few moments they are, I’m too busy or apathetic to focus on keeping them on track.

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